I don’t know what I’m supposed to say, what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to act. I know nonw of that. I am lost, the “lost puppy” you could say. It’s not really something new to me, I’ve been in this position for most of my life, floating along, taking whatever comes my way, hoping I’ll be able to find something that works for me. Most of the time, what I do find is just a left over something, something that doesn’t quite fit as much as I would like it to. Oh well, nothing I can do about it anyway. I’ll just go on being my “lost puppy” like self. That’s what I’m good at.
I don’t quite know what to say other than what has been floating around in my head for the past, oh, five years.
Five years, more than that, of no fitting in, of not seeing what I really am.
I still don’t know, which is a bit of a problem. But, you know what, that’s okay. Because, maybe, just maybe, sooner or later, I’ll find some solution. However, it will probably be later than sooner.
Things that I ought to forget, I cannot forget. They won’t let me go. People that ought to not be thought of keep creeping back into memory. Things that I did, wanted to do, whatever, keep coming back, keep saying “no, no, WE’RE BACK!”
Right now,I’m just sort of going along with whatever. No opinion permeates my brain, because there is nothing to have an opinion about, you know. First off, there’s not much I can do anyway. It’s summer-fucking-vacation. I hate school, and I would much rather be at home doing nothing, yes. But, you know what, this seclusion kills me.
Kills me.
Yes, I am dying right now. Internal bleeding or some stupid shit like that. Dying. Right now. Okay, not from internal bleeding. From deprivation. Ever felt that way? Being kept away from something so important that you’re dying…Yes,that is me, right now. Being kept away from what keeps me sane (yet drives me crazy). Being kept away from what keeps me half alive (yet makes me want to die). Kept away from people.
Instant Messenger only gets me so far. I mean, its nice and all, but there are very few people who are committed to it like I am, very few people who actually are on that are worth talking to. And then, the people that are worth talking to aren’t on as much as I am, so it’s a waiting game until they do get on.
I need people, I need more than this talking which is only typing and reading what you’re saying. You do know that this is torture, do you not? I would hope that you do know, because, well, its true. Torture, that’s what this is.
I knew, coming into summer, that it would be hell, that I would be so deprived that I would go insane. I was hoping that it wouldn’t be this bad, but there’s nothing I can do about it. There is no way for me to get people around, did you know that? Did you know that there is nothing I can do about this? No getting out, no going to see someone. There is nobody to go see, nowhere to go to find people. I have to stay in this house, all the damn time, and just sit here, trying to occupy myself. It’s ridiculous, it’s preposterous, it’s insane, it’s bad planning on my parents’ part.
Yes, I can blame them. So I will. As the child, it is my job to blame them.
Yet, I also have to blame myself. They had asked me if I wanted to move here. Sure, why not? I’m not a people person, the thought of a 2000 kid high school was insane, at the time. Why not move to the middle of nowhere, with nobody around, not have to deal with the idiotic people?
I was wrong.
I hate it here. You wonder why I call this place Hell. I can tell you why. Because, 1), there are less than 60 people at my school. Less than 60. Did you know that? These people are, ugh, mindless, to say the least. 2), this is the middle of nowhere, there is nothing around, nobody around, NOTHING. Sure, I don’t have to deal with stupid neighbors playing music late in the night, but then again, I don’t hear much, other than the cars driving by on the highway. At night,if I watch, I can see a little of their headlights, over at the firehouse, a little past that, and then in front of the store. That’s all I got. I have nothing.
Sure, I don’t have to deal with idiotic people all the time. You’re right. I have to deal with the idiotic people at school. When there’s school. And only then. The rest of the time? THERE ARE NO PEOPLE.
When I’m old enough, meaning after I graduate….As soon as I can, hopefully before I’m 18 (the waiting of two months until then will be killer)…..I’m leaving. Up and out. Gone. Away. Staying in this hell-hole? Fuck no. Going to Florence? Ya, right. No thank you, too close to home, and there are only old people there. Go up to Beaverton or Portland? That’s what they would expect, what they would want.
Naw, I’m leaving. And I mean leaving. Out of state, possibly east coast, no idea where yet. Somewhere that isn’t here, somewhere decent. I could end up in Canada for all I know, I’m just not staying here, no way could you bribe me to stay here. No person, no amount of money, no amount of pleading. Nothing can keep me here once I can actually go. Sorry, that’s life.
I don’t like it here. I can’t BE here. Because I’m kept underwraps. Because I’m left to fin for myself, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Because there’s so much keeping me down.
The lack of.
Tags: People, School, Nothing, Hate, Wrong!, Memory, High School, Away, Problem, Sad, Stupid, No, Work, Hell, Depressed, Gone, Find, Floating, Leaving, Lost Puppy, Summer Vacation, Dying, Shit, Deprived, Insane, Child, Parent, Mindless, Idiotic, Graduate, Canada, Lack
