Sucks The Most.

I’m tired of this.
I lie to myself all the time.
I’m not a pathological liar, no, but I lie to myself.  To make myself feel better.
Needless to say, it doesn’t work, because eventually, I find out that it was just a lie, just something I made up to make myself fell better.
I hate it.  I hate it hate it hate.
I wish I didn’t do it, but I don’t know how to stop.
I always justify things, always come up for a reason for something, something like that, and I’m tired of doing it.  Because I trick myself into thinking that most of those things are true, when most of the time they’re just things I make up, things I assume.
And I don’t want to do it any more.
I’ve tried and tried and tried some more to stop, but it’s just not that easy.
Because, if it was, I would be over it by now.
I can’t take this anymore, actually, to tell the truth.
Everything is falling apart, again.  I just wish there was something real to fall apart, instead of things I hoped for that don’t turn out to be true.  But no, I have nothing real to fall apart.  Because I have nothing.  Like the Shinedown song “No More Love”, “Despite the writing on the wall, my future’s bleak and rather small”….That’s my theme song, right there.  Actually, most of their “Leave a Whisper” CD is my theme.  I love those songs, mainly the first half of the CD.  And of course “45″, even though Corena ruined that one by saying how much she loved it.  And I like “Simpleman” – partly because he has a sexy voice- because it’s so true.  I like their version better than Lynard Skynard’s even.
Sorry, I’m off topic.
I hate my life.
I take that back.  I really really hate my life.  Nothing happens, there is nobody there, I have no real social life, my friends are of no help through anything, I have no romantical prospects no matter what I want to believe, and my life is just a waste of time.
It’s true though.  Can you give me anything GOOD?  Can you?  I really don’t think you can – I can’t.
In September, I have to go back to school.  That means I have to face these retarded people who know nothing about anything, who don’t understand shit, yet are far too much better than me.  I have no friends at school this year.  Amanda’ll be there, but we never talk about anything other than how she’s a whore (but I didn’t say that).  Nobody to vent to, nobody to tell anything to, nobody to get mad at who’ll forgive me for it.  Guaranteed I’m going to flip on someone who doesn’t understand and, well, we all know how that goes.  Think back to Kristen (sp?) and freshman year….God that was horrendous.  And then Eighth grade as well, flipping out in Science class, and in P.E.  Oh, wait, and last year in Economics class.  And in Weight Training.  And sophomore year on the bus.  God I do it a lot more than I thought I did.  This year is going to suck.
Let’s not think about it.
What I can think about is how my life is coming to the end.

• How every person I’m attracted to will never want anything from me.  Or the ones who do want something, nothing will ever happen between us.  So, you know what?  There’s that one to go down the drain.
• Everyone says that I should go to college – because I’m so smart, they say.  But I’m not that smart.  If you put me in a normal school, like I used to be in, I would be the average student.  I wouldn’t be able to excel in college, if make it well at all – who knows?
• I have no special skills.  I have nothing that sets me apart from other people.  Hard to admit, but it’s true.  Everything I know could be easily learned by any other person on this whole planet.
• And I’m lazy, so that doesn’t help anything either.

I need something new, something REAL.
I’m talking to Scott right now, and he says that I probably just need to get out and be around people instead of sitting around at home all the time.  I think so too.  But that won’t happen, so oh well.  Nobody to go see, nowhere to go to meet people, people don’t like me anyway, remember?
My life is retarded.  And I know it.  And I don’t want it to be.  But, life is life.  You gotta deal with it.  Or I could just die and not deal with it.  Other than the part about how there is no life after death.  So, no, I don’t want to die, but I do want to be able to do something to fix this fucking mess I have of myself.  I wish I could.  But I can’t.  I have to deal with it.  And that part sucks the most.